Toto and the Conversation

"Hi Toto!"

"Well! Don't give me that disinterested, floppy-eared look! Give me a small wag atleast! I recently saw a fb post on doggy language. I can see you are not very pleased to meet me. And mind you, in my time of dogs, implying when I owned them, I also did some serious reading on dogs in encyclopedias. That's how I make guesses, many a time wrong, of breeds of dogs I see on roads. I see you are a mongrel."

"I'm a dog, that's all. And as Ms. Kale says, the breed doesn't matter."
"So you refer to your mistress as Ms. Kale? I'm surprised by your display of pedigree."
"That's just my mark of respect for her. I don't know about this pedigree and breed, and I'm not interested."
"You are interesting. By the way, you are male, aren't you?"
"Ofcourse I am. You couldn't even make out from the name?"
"Well, I was not sure. And I didn't check your genitals. ... Oops! I'm sorry!"
"Don't be. Unlike you humans, we animals are not ashamed of nakedness. And since you can't detect the sex through our smells and other particulars, it is natural to do so the way you described. We do not feel insulted, the way a woman would feel insulted if a man stared at her assets. After all, don't you do the same to a newborn baby? As it's acceptable for the baby, it's acceptable to us too. As in the baby world, things are pure and equal in our world."
"Toto, what a speech that was!"
"Human arrogance! You think we are all dumb, incapable of observation and deep thought. How you pleat the hair of some of my brethen, how you dress them up in socks, coats and such stupid things, and post fotos!"
"I see you are in a mood of tirades today. And I see you are into social media. Maybe you drop in glances when your Ms. Kale works on her computer. I just stopped for a friendly chat, and you hardly reciprocate in a similar vein. But I agree with you. People get carried away with their indulgence in pets to the point of cruelty."
"Sigh. Alright. I'll try to be friendly. But don't think we are friends. Yet. But why seek me? You could have come a bit later when Ms. Kale would have been home."
"Oh, I thought Teju would have been home by now. C'mon! Don't flinch like that! Before Ms. Tejaswini Kale became your mistress, she has been 'Teju' to the likes of me. And I'm sure she's not addressed as 'Ms. Kale' at home!"
"Oh, I never get quite used to it."
"You are strange."
"Well, the interesting will sometimes be strange."
"Hmm. So, as I was saying, Teju wasn't at home, and I saw you staring out of the window with your paws on the sill. I thought you looked so sophisticated, it would be a nice change to talk to you. As it is, I'm quite tired of humans."
"I see you are quite tired of yourself too. Don't look so surprised. If you humans can study dog emotions, we too can indulge in the art of reading human expressions."
"Sigh... You are right. I'm not just tired of myself, I'm bored, listless and depressed. It's like I have aged too much and too fast, and I'm just 25! What do you reckon I should do? Don't give the usual dosage of spiritual advice!"
"Hmph! I, infact, have a practial suggestion."
"Really?! And what is that?"
"You should eat grass."
"Eat grass? You don't mean smoke grass?"
"Argh, ofcourse not! I'm sure you must have tried that to no avail."
"Not exactly."
"What I mean is you should eat blades of grass. Goats do that to fill their stomachs, and we dogs do to that to cure certain ailments."
"I thought those ailments were restricted to vomiting and diarrhoea."
"Oh, you know little of natural cures. Try it."
"I don't know ... How will I look chewing blades of grass by the road, like a goat or a dog."
"Don't be stupid! Just pick the blades as you would pick flowers, take them home and eat. But be careful while bending to pick. Some passing gent might be tempted to pinch your bottom!"
"I'll kick his crotch then! But if I fall sick eating the grass, I'll just have myself to blame!"
"Remember what Dumbledore said to Harry Potter in the last book? Just because this conversation is happening in your head doesn't mean it's unreal."
"Don't tell me you even read books! Or do you read them through Teju? But I don't think she has an interest in fantasy. Wait! Is it her I hear at the door?"