Talking to My Throat

Thoughts clump together in my throat and form this painful lump. It's so funny, so funny. That I can physically feel my internal bleeding. I can feel it so, so intensely. They say it's a curse and a blessing to feel everything so intensely. True that. True that. But would I prefer it any other way? No. I am living, aren't I? Rather than existing. I am living these moments. And enjoying life, deeply.

Nonetheless, when I meet you in my throat, I do wish you would go away. I do feel fatigued by the pulling and twisting inside. I do wish you would instead manifest in flesh and blood, and stand before me. So that I could look into your eyes and drown there. So that I could breathe in the same air as you do. So that I could inhale your smell. Your earthy smell that drives me crazy. Simply your presence that unleashes drumrolls inside my body.

I wish you would make some concession for me. Have some pity. And release me from this misery. I do wish you erase your existence from my worldly realm. Disappear. Perish. Like a star in a black hole. Or annihilate me, completely. Don't leave me in this limbo. Please.

Yes, I am indeed alive.

Wait!

Stop, a moment, will you?
Lemme catch...
That drop of sunshine
Slipping from your lips
Won't you, won't you, pause?
I'm meandering flooded
In the barren land of your desire
I am naked
In the clothed world of your doubts
Stop, a moment, will you?
Lemme shred you
Bit by bit...
My nails are so raw
And my want, so old
Older than this world
She is so old
She sits by this empty bed
And cries a river
And turns it into a riverbed
Chaining me with the soft pebbles
Inviting you into its tenderness
Won't you, won't you, surrender?
Come my love
Let me destroy you
Consume you wholly
And let me create you newly
Let me give you...
A new birth
Stop, a moment, will you?

- Chandni Girija

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He drew silk, waved it about and lowered it on earth in black cascades of clouds.

She stood transfixed. She closed her eyes to the mad love his fingers made with the black and white keys. She surrendered to the serenade. She allowed herself to be drowned in the black silk. She smiled as she went deep, then she swam up and opened her eyes to the world and smiled again. She plunged again, and wept quietly.

He finished, and opened his eyes. He saw her. Something deep inside him curdled, and flew to surface, "Get outta here!"                  
She was startled out of her abyss. "But your music was so beautiful...", she gasped.

He continued to stare angrily.     
Suddenly she laughed softly and said, "You need to be hugged." She started to move.

A few steps ahead, she paused and looked back at him. She found him bent at the piano, sobbing.

Now he felt her stare and looked up.
Their gazes met again. Where she had seen anger, now lay a pool of pain and suffering. His lashes glistened with tears, somehow sending her a silent prayer, "Take me! Save me!"

Now she spasmed with another type of shock. She felt frightened by his want of her, something like her...

A part of her wanted to take him in her arms, and run her fingers in his hair. But... his need was greater than her, that would consume her totally.

She turned, and hurried along her way. This time she didn't pause to look back at him.

- Chandni Girija