Thoughts clump together in my throat and form this painful lump. It's so funny, so funny. That I can physically feel my internal bleeding. I can feel it so, so intensely. They say it's a curse and a blessing to feel everything so intensely. True that. True that. But would I prefer it any other way? No. I am living, aren't I? Rather than existing. I am living these moments. And enjoying life, deeply.
Nonetheless, when I meet you in my throat, I do wish you would go away. I do feel fatigued by the pulling and twisting inside. I do wish you would instead manifest in flesh and blood, and stand before me. So that I could look into your eyes and drown there. So that I could breathe in the same air as you do. So that I could inhale your smell. Your earthy smell that drives me crazy. Simply your presence that unleashes drumrolls inside my body.
I wish you would make some concession for me. Have some pity. And release me from this misery. I do wish you erase your existence from my worldly realm. Disappear. Perish. Like a star in a black hole. Or annihilate me, completely. Don't leave me in this limbo. Please.
Yes, I am indeed alive.
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