Roots

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Passenger in My Body

The veins flow
So lively
So intent
I wonder, wonder
Their purpose
For I feel none

I simply laugh
I simply cry
I chug on
I stumble
And lie still

I stare out
These merciless windows,
My eyes
On and on
They go
Show me sights
Welcome, unwelcome
And indifferent

I call out
I beg to stop
The world is deaf
And so am I

Just a victim
A victim I am
Of the momentum
Momentum of my motion
Were it not for it
Just vacuum
Vacuum I would be

And so,
I simply laugh
I simply cry
I chug on
I stumble
And lie still

I thirst
To slit those
Those frenzied fools
And feel their redness
Burst my world
And then sigh
Sigh with content
And fall asleep
In my long-worn seat


---
Samudri

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Intellectual Orgasm

It was M's class today.

As usual, he introduced us to a new thinker and his theory. I paid attention today, and whenever it was flipping, dragged it back. Deleuze: powerful, in the way he challenges how models are constructed and forced upon us, how he criticizes the cause-effect way of thinking.
Class went well, and then a student asked a question. Out jumped Judith Butler through M. And then queer theory. Another powerful perspective.

Set me thinking. How certain concepts and thoughts can liberate us. First they challenge us, shake the very roots of our ideology. We realise there are cracks in the pillar we have built. Oh, then we realize, the damn thing was wrong all the time. Time comes for deconstruction. We pull down the pillar. The process is not as smooth as I describe. Discomfort and pain are involved, directly proportional to the strength, width and height of the pillar we had built.
But when the montrosity is pulled down, we realize, "Ah ha, it was never a pillar, but a chain that dragged me down" To be free of that chain feels so good. You are lighter and have a wider and a deeper view of the world. Then you read and research more; start building a new pillar, to take yoursef to another height of awareness, knowledge and wisdom.

And what happens when there's a high resonance between your raw thought and an argument solidly thought through and argued? Owww owww. The cuckoo inside you wakes up and starts chirping. The presenter continues explaining, and with each new sentence you agree more with its truth. Right, you think! Right, right! Exactly, exactly, exactly! Oh yes, yes, yesssssss! Higher and higher you are transported, so much so that it reaches a crescendo. Your intellect is writhing now, all its muscles tensed and limbs a-tangled! Your eyes are shining so much you wonder why the presenter is not blinded looking at you. S/he ends her/his talk with a succulent one-liner. You smile and exhale, slowlyyyy.
You stretch your legs, and think of the canteen. You step out of the room. Your friend asks you, "How was it?" A lazy smile creeps up your face, and you say, "Good". "Hey, where you headed now?" You don't stop to answer that. Time for some coffee and cuddling with those after-thoughts.
:)

;)

- Chandni

Friday, August 15, 2014

Naked

I dreamt you today.

Bastard.

'Dreamt'. How the sentence sounds. As if 'I drank you today'. And literally I did. Amma is disenchanted by all this. She asks me why I set so much store by dreams. Why I remember them, and why I think about them. Maybe she's right. I should simply dismiss them. But what keeps me enchanted is the emotion I feel in the dream. For me, dreams count not because of the colours or the event, but the feeling I feel when I live that event in the dream. Maybe it's more real than my awake, everyday feelings. Because I feel in the dream so acutely. And the dreams are always inspired by my innermost desires,and thoughts. I feel like advertising like a film producer: 'Technicolor, inspired by real life events'.




In the dream you had cheated on me. You had always been a cheat. And I realised I had never truly loved you. Meaning you never the one I truly wanted. A series of high drama events had happened, which together did not make sense after waking up (they never did). In one of the of the scenes you were sipping a sweet liquid with a two-way straw, another girl at the other end of straw. Seated opposite, you were looking at each other. And the sweet liquid was actually her smiling eyes. (Yes, dreams are full of metaphors). You were drinking her eyes, she along with you.I vividly remember the last scene:  a hot chase, me after you. And then inside the bus. Empty, and for you nowhere to go. Even though we were no longer running, my pursuit was on. You, pinned on the wall. Your astuteness. Your grace. Your toned body. Your nipples. The pursuit goes lower. Me ready for your maleness. The dream ends here, and I wake up.



I wake up to the feeling in the dream. Dull pain. Of frustration. Of chronic loneliness. I start thinking (It is 15th August, a holiday, I have overslept, Amma conveniently out of house, and I have ample time). The fact is you have cheated me for 25 years. That's my human age in this lifetime. The body age is higher, maybe 35 (time's running out!).  How long should I wait?

Everyday there are moments when I am caught alone, unawares, and the knife of this loneliness does a happy round in my throat. Round and round it goes. Helplessly, involuntarily I sigh. How many times. Then there times in the month I sob, soundlessly.

They say man is a social animal. It's true. So is a woman. The need for company arrives, quite appropriately, and more acutely, after attaining adulthood. And then it starts bleeding, this need, like a wound, dripping like a mother's unsuckled babyless breast.

Listen, I need to grow. To do a lot of things. To achieve my goals. But you, my god, you gnaw. Like anything.

Arrive, will you? Damn it.

Today's Independence Day. And I am direly wishing to be ridden of my womanhood. To be free. Of myself. And you. Gosh.


-
Samudri

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Aaah rain ... !

That first gust of wind. Your colleague exclaiming happily, "rains have arrived!". You are pulled towards the window, inadvertently. It is a gust, a strong gust that shakes leaves, trees and heaves up large swirls of dust. And accompanied is a sweet coolness. And a calming fragrance of some particular tree, something like eucalyptus. Aah! You know, moisture will follow a few, or a few more days later. But for now, a smile has arrived at your lips.
You are happy. Sexy. Romantic. Makes you feel like dialling someone, a lover and sharing this joy. But you are also content smiling to yourself, and sharing with this blog.
Rains, you are awaited with ardour!

Friday, May 2, 2014

The Leap

Long ago, in a dew-dipped time, I was born, a thought, in my mother's mind. She nourished and cherished me, and finally, I was born labouring against entropy, against gravity, against sunlight. And yet, there I was, a gurgling jumble of words, naked before the stark light. I crawled, whinnied about. Slowly, I found my a grip. I found commas, semicolons and ellipsis. I found pronouns, adjectives, and conjunctions. I found the strength to move about, to explore and fight my way about. I also learnt happiness, in streaks of shade.
The hardest of my lessons was learning the full stop. And I am yet to learn it fully. But, I am on my way. My shape has formed, and my meaning is in the right direction.
Tomorrow, I shall be taking flight. To an island of dreams. An island where I shall be protected from the hard contours, and yet exposed to new alleyways. Where I could grow wider, lighter, more meaningful. Tomorrow, I shall be making the leap for my dreams.

Dedicated to a Jet Setter about to Make a Huge Leap in Life

Sunday, April 27, 2014

A Long Way to Walk

I scratch my beard
And burrow my eyes
Deep, brown, concerned
Yet twinkling
At the new turn
Posed by life

I took fifty such turns
Some carefully considered
Some flamboyant
But always striving
Towards a deeper me
A better me
A better world around me

The dogs of confusion
Hounded me
Yet the horses of passion
Pulled me
A charioteer, a passenger
I led, I followed

The mensa puzzle of life
Unravelled to me in bits
But my goal is clear to me
Clear as the day
As another bit reveals today
I am elated
Yet grounded

I reckon my life forces
And summon my oaky wisdom
To sustain the further distance
My fifty-first turn,
I am ready
To meet you
Arms open
Sure-footed
And laughing!!

Here, here, I come ...

(Dedicated to Prasad Chacko Sir, Director of Behavioural Science Centre, St. Xavier's College, Ahmedabad on his 51st birthday)

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Restless Feet

Have you listened to it? Restless feet? The whole activity has a rhythm to it. You would say it is lack of attentivity or focus. I would say it is latent energy - latent and potent. That is raring to unleash.

Look at that feet - the up-down spring tune. Poke a hole into that knee and energy would come bursting out like little yellow birds. Then those birds would settle into each nest that would be another activity in itself. Each would grow food, rear kids and on and on ...

Let looseness break away from the rigidity of your feet next time. Let it translate to bursts of exercise, poetry, artistry, dance, love letter, or simply take up a debate!!! Let free and live your feet!



Monday, March 10, 2014

tu ...

tu, moklya kesanchi
tu, vinakaran hasnari
tu, kaajal lavnari
tu, rangoli kadhnari
tu, pavsaat nachnari
tu, algad laajnari
tu, nadisang radnari
tu, vedyagat kinchalnari
tu, rumaal shivnari
tu, chapatya bhajnari
tu, kushit ghenari
tu, cricket khelnari
tu, nakha marnari
tu, oje jhelnari
tu ... bhebhan
tu ... anekrangi
tu ... shevat nasnari
tu ... stree

Monday, March 3, 2014

A Dull Morning

Constricted, in the throat, and thoughts. No movement, stuck. Like a jammed wheel.
No willingness to move, as the majestic elephant settled on its own littering.

A yawn gnaws, but dies. The brain refuses to swallow the oxygen pill.

Oh boredom, can you get out of my mind room? It's expansive, but you seem to be taking too much space. Get out, out I say!

Then boredom laughs at me. And I smile too, at my foolishness.

Okay, Im out for a stroll. May be an omlet coupled with oxygen overdose would be the cure. ;)

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Ecstatic

Pandit Hariprasadji's flute notes are ruffling my hair, easing out a smile from my lips and then transporting me. I am, now, at the edge of a hilltop. Hair flowing in the cool, sweet breeze.
My eyes are honey-coloured, intense, reflecting the canvas they are fixated on - that luscious kanha, the sky. I look at his caressing fingers, his intent lips - the flute isn't his instrument, she's his lover. His fingers, his lips and the flute, in synergy, they create my world. A world that pulls out my outer skin, letting the shy and suppressed woman leap out. A world that holds me by waist, making me dance, that thrusts a dotara into my hands, compelling me to play the strings, turning me into Meera.
I am out of me now. I am in sync with the sky, kanha, the flute, the dotara, happiness, love. I am riding the highest octaves of sea waves.
I am ecstatic.
I am beautiful.

(Oh, how I forget this. Thank you Panditji.)

- Chandni


Thursday, August 29, 2013

स … स, कुणाचा ?


सहजपणाचा  ... आकाशाचा 
समुद्राचा ... पांघरुणातला 
सख्याचा ... तीरेवरचा 
समर्पणाचा  ... श्वासांचा 



Sunday, July 7, 2013

Shadow of the Clouds



My laughter would still be echoing on the hills across NH 76. Silently, mirthfully, contently.

I am in the sumo with a varied coterie. Harilalji is at the wheel. His super-sensitive pendrive (it plays song according to the average age and mood of the passengers) playing quite, reflective, romantic songs. Maybe, Harilalji's pendrive is really gifted, because I'm jubilant at the resonance of the lyrics and my internal state-
Bahut dinose jamanat se shikayat nahi...
How true! I really have no complaints against the world these days, I am so content and grounded. I scribble the line in my diary. Ashutosh, seated on my left, glances at me. What must he have been thinking? 'What notes is this girl taking now? Maybe, she's a cracko' Adarsh, seated at the front beside Harilalji, still wears the same suit of silence. I wonder about his eyes - they are silent too. Rupal and Mukeshji's conversation drifts to my ears. Rupal is surprised that the song brings back 15 years old memories to Mukeshji. Well, I think to myself, to memories it's never about their age but the strength of their fragrance. I look out to the hill-dipped horizon. There are intermingling patches of shadows and sunlight - it's the amazing phenomenon of shadow of clouds. Memory of the Tuljapur landscape, my home of three years, is brought back to me. I wonder about the past three hours. In addition to being an exposure, the field office visit had also been a test, hadn't it? The clouds chuckle with me.

Ashutosh, Adarsh and I are interview candidates for the post of Area Manager (Financial Services) at the Aajeevika Bureau. Mukeshji is the General Manager (Operations) and Rupal is the General Manager (Financial Services). We had been taken to the taluka offices of Aajeevika and RSSA. This was to give us a feel of the work which would enable us to gauge our suitability for the profile. Ashutosh hails from Bhopal and had been a part of SKS (microfinance). Adarsh, originally from Varanasi, works at Wipro Delhi (financial analysis and MIS). And me? Currently looking for jobs, I was compelled to visit Aajeevika, despite my preference to work closer home (I was so attracted to their work).

Picked up from my arriving place, allowed to refresh at the guest house and fed, I was finally united with the team for the visit. As Rupal, our sutradhar phrased it, we had a 'beautiful drive' across NH 76 to Gogunda. On the way I noticed groups of people moving with their cattle. 

It was amazing to watch Rajashthan's rural people up so close and real. The women wore traditional flowing skirts, blouses and pallus, and bangles. The cattle differed according to groups. The first group I saw moved with camels (I noticed a camel suckling its mother!). Then there was another with sheep, and another with donkeys! Luggage was tucked upon the animals. Mukeshji confirmed my observation - they were migrating to greener pastures for the monsoons.



We stopped at a nondescript building. I saw Aajeevika's board. It was a typical ground-level NGO setup. After climbing a floor of steps, we met Rajendraji and another lady. Rajendraji manages the work at the Taluka level, while the lady (I do not remember her name), seemed to be a grass-roots worker. After a formal introduction of everyone, Rajendraji explained Aajeevika Gogunda's work since its establishment. The information he shared was quite interesting, especially the statistics. I'll summarise the same below-

Being a region lacking in cultivable land, water and irrigation, migration started in Rajasthan around 150 years back. Today, it is so common that 54% of the population is into migration. And if you include those below 18 years (yes, children too), the statistic rises to 65%! However, the life of these migrants is dismal. The starting remuneration is Rs. 1000 per month which may go only upto Rs. 4500 even after working for 20 years. Wow! I compared this to my career (the likely remuneration and benefits); what a stark contrast! This happens in the case of unskilled workers. Therefore, Aajeevika engages in skill training and placement.
Caught in the Vicious Cycle: Rajasthan's Migrants
Gaining skills (construction, electrical work, etc) helps these migrants to break out of the vicious cycle they are caught in. They depart from their villages aiming to collect some amount of money. However, they are required to come back home sometimes or send in money in-between due to contingencies. Also, whenever they fall ill, they return to their villages to avail treatment - they are so ignorant of the services at their work destinations. This pattern continues for years. Finally, these migrants retire. By this time, another generation of migrants (their 13-14 years old sons) is ready. Skilled work helps them earn better remuneration, save money and graduate to a more secure lifestyle. 
Aajeevika also helps these workers through money management advice and micro-loans. The literacy rate of women at the tehsil is appalling - less than 20%! The NGO works with women to empower them to gain access to available government services and even engage in jobs suitable for them. Aajeevika also organises migrants. Currently, they have four collectives collaborating with them, one of which has been registered as a union. Despite migration being a major livelihood source, there is hardly any government intervention in this sector. There is no labour department at the block level (there are 18 other departments serving citizens' needs). A recent RTI by Aajeevika revealed that zero workers were registered in the state under the Inter-State Migrants Act! This was why Aajeevika took up the gargantuan work of registering workers. Today this ID card is recognised by the Department of Labour of Rajasthan government. I had a chance to look at one when Rajendraji showed us the cards. It had basic details such as full name, address and occupation.
I did not note down all the statistics on the ppt. But I could deduct that Rajendraji's team had done considerable research. They had squeezed out the juice of migration issue in the area. And, in Rajendraji's words, their services had evolved organically from the community.

Post Rajendraji's presentation, we relaxed for tea. I took the opportunity to step out of the room and peep in where a group of rural people had gathered. Men folk were seated on one side, and women on another. A few social workers peppered this group. The conversation on the men's side was animated while that on the women's side was quieter and shy. Some forms were also being filled. I took my leave after my brief 'audacity'. It was a part of the organisational culture to wash your own cups (I liked this part :)). We honoured it before leaving.



We stepped out of Aajeevika office and were stalled by a loud and colourful procession. I couldn't resist taking snaps - the folks danced without abandon! We were later updated that an idol was being instated at a nearby temple.

We then walked to RSSA office, just a couple of blocks away. Again, we discovered RSSA office to be situated at an upper level with a few humble rooms and an equally humble staff. We interacted with the General Manager, Sampatji. We followed, with some variations, the same process of formal introductions, a brief explanation of the work and then clarification of our doubts. Here is a summary of the information shared by Sampatji-
Samriddhi programme encompasses RSSA's financial inclusion activities such as financial literacy training, gullak bachat, pension scheme, etc. The other major activity is provision of micro-credit. The credit activity follows in this manner: forms are filled in for applicants, which are verified by the Sarpanch. The applicant has to name one individual from family who would take joint responsibility (Joint Responsibility Individual - JRI) for the loan repayment. S/he would also have to name two guarantors failing which the loan application would be rejected. RSSA only requires the guarantors to be working individuals; it does not look into their financial situation. Once the verification is completed, a committee reviews the applications and approves the worthy ones. The loans are given at a declining interest of 2% per month. The loan amount falls within the range of Rs. 5000 to Rs. 20,000.

Sampatji also explained the organisational structure (starting from Branch Manager going down to Financial Service Provider working at panchayat level) and profile of debtors (Long Duration Migrants, Short Duration Migrants and Retired Migrants - preference is given to LDMs for loans). Sampatji mentioned that the biggest challenge in his work was tackling detractors in community meetings and loan defaulters. He shared an example where the debtor, JRI and guarantors had all left the village. In such cases, they used the technique of community pressure to recover the amount. Despite all this, Sampatji's high at his job was the knowledge that his efforts were benefiting the people. It was inspirational to hear this young Branch Manager speak passionately about his work.
Green, not Brown: The Scene outside RSSA Terrace
                                           
We broke up our discussion after a round of samosas (famous in the area) benevolently brought for us by staff member Kanhaiyalalji.

Our visit was thus completed. The general mood in the jeep was relaxed, though Adarsh and Ashutosh were a bit pensive. And that's when Harilalji's pendrive started playing the songs.

Hmm, it has been an interesting visit. I think about this new land. It has the same undercurrents of other rural areas I had visited. It holds a great scope of work; Aajeevika's contribution has paved the path in the right direction.
The running scenery beyond my window captivates me. My trail of thoughts go back home, to Amma seated on her usual chair.

Amma, hold my hand, step out and look at those laughing hills. Does Rajasthan beckon us?

Beyond the Walls:
In the waiting lounge,  Head Office, Aaajeevika
Note: I began typing this article before the result of the interview was disclosed to me, and I have completed it maintaining the same mode of my mind.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Shahar

agdi alipt vatave itka ...
nadila puur fute kadhi, vaat pahte. pan hasu yeta - dusryach kshanala shant hote, usase deun. jar nivdaycha asel, tar nadi ani dagad, yaat mi dagad nivden. nirvikar dagad nahi, stheer, shant dagad. halkya smeet-hasya najarene jagakade pahnara dagad.

kiti kiti chhaan watata. ektich mi, sobtila majhi sundar savli, hirvagar-nilasar kshitij.  ani toch kinara. sobtila. thamblach majhyasathi. wahaycha te wahun gela. pan kinara tasach thambla. prithvi surya bhovti arrgentram nachun aali. pan kinaara tikdech thambla, waat pahat. kasa dhanywad mhanu tula? raktane nahi tar nivval, niswarth premane jodun rahilas mala.

meghanche oth chandra-sangat waktat. kahi themb majhyawar padtat.

shahar umathto angawar.

majhi najar jhukte, kapal maatila bilagto. yugandhare, tula namaskar!

Saturday, June 29, 2013

The Landscape is Changing

I wake up to dew drops in my eyes. I wonder where's the moisture from. The sun sets an orange glow. And the sky cuddles it in a bright blue blanket.

I wake up, walk around and feel the naked world. I touch the pieces, the joints, the emerging shapes ... Yes, the patterns are changing.

I stand at the threshold and look back. The hazy clouds, the gripping tall structures, the trenches, the chains, the warm soil and the soft leaves. I sigh.

I turn around, and face the east again. The reels have already moved on. I take a step into the landscape that is changing.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Who is the Power Play For - The JD(U) Split

Bihar CM Nitish Kumar announced JD(U)'s split from NDA (read BJP). The cited reason? Emergence of a polarizing figure is unacceptable.
I wonder ... Ha ha ha. Well, what do I gain from this split? Yes me, a common citizen? I wonder whether the various party commandos thought about me before making the various dramatic decisions on the national level. Did you ma'ams and sirs? Ha ha ha.

To me, it seems, I was never in picture. It was about power, and is. If it isn't, tell me what benefit will the Third Front bring me? Didi and Nitishji don't like Modi and BJP, and so they float the plan - nothing to do with giving me roti, kapdaa or makaan.

Well, I am used to being ignored. And I admire their spirit - to keep hanging in power. After all, they are power-hungry. I would have got tired of the whole thing. After all, I have the hunger in my belly to satisfy.
:)

Monday, June 17, 2013

Veruugal

Hello world!

Veruugal mean 'roots' in Malayalam.

Is this blog a journal of exploration? An excavation of soil of facts, trenches of experiences, rocks of adversities, and so on, to ultimately reach the goal - roots? No.

By veruugal, I imply 'essence'. Essence that solidly upholds me, that stretches beneath me and beyond me, that binds me to you, you to others, us to humanity, to other life forms and lifeless forms. Essence that gives us consciousness, wisdom, intuition, vitality. If this still didn't make sense to you, compare veruugal to 'social consciousness' that Carl Jung talks about. Or, if you have read him, veruugal are exactly the 'roots' Dr Scott M Peck talks about.

Veruugal are instrinsic. So real, more real than me.

So, I'm not interested in any intellectual or literary excavation. Yes, exploration will happen; it's a part of life, but not it's sole purpose.

What I am interested is in the flow, since I flow from the veruugal. As my my body, mind and soul flow in the course of time, I capture some parts of the essence here.

You are welcome here, friend, another part of this essence!

P.S. I'm called 'Chandni Girija'